So glad to be home.... Today was hard...but we all got through it.

Lots of the Patriot Guard were there (you guys rock!) and so were the Vetran's of MN to do the ceremony. They did the gun salute (The only person that truly gets the 21 gun salute is the President of the United States.) and the whole bit...it was really a cool thing to witness. I got a bullet casing for remembrance.

I hadn't really lost my shit until today...when it was more final to me...obviously.... Sure, I've cried a bit here and there remembering certain things... But, it all came crashing into reality for me today knowing that all of those fond memories will be the last that I'll have with that part of my life (Grandpa/Grandma). All the pictures there were so freakin awesome to see again and I took some phone shots of them. Sis took some actual pics of them...so I'm happy about that!!!

To Grandpa Leo,

You were a hardworking man...who always tried to do right by his family. I'll miss your presence here so much! -And all of what that actually represented. You and Grandma Grace...were such a treasure to have in my life. I admired the love you had for eachother and they way you stuck by eachother through all the bad times as well as the good. Thank you for giving us the traditions we have and learning what family actually means....and how to love unconditionally...no matter what. Salute (raises glass) and So Long Gramps!

Never say Good bye, he always said.... Say, So long....

Tribute to my Baby Girl,

My dog Sasha pasted away into the early hours on Sunday morning. She was 16 1/2 years old and she was the love of my life. I'll miss her so much! She had a million different names such as: Sasha, Sasquatch, Ticky-tack, stasha laroo, my Baby girl, My "B" girl, Sas a fras, etc...

Today I will bring her into the vet and get her cremated. I will pick out an urn and when she's ready, she'll be coming home with me.

I'm having a really hard time with this. It's hard for me to function and to talk about it at this point. So, if I don't respond to calls or e-mails...that's why.

Too many things changing all at once..it's really hard for me to deal with all this. She was with me for half of my life...and she was such a strong presence in my life. She was my child...my baby girl. Man alive I miss her so much already! Life will truly be different and weird without her. Love you my baby girl! Momma misses you so much already! Love love love you bunches and bunches!

If anyone has a wardrobe that they're trying sell or get rid of (that's in decent shape)...or knows of where to get a reasonably priced one...I'd love to hear about it.

I'm looking to get one...soon! I found a few online...but they're either very pricey...or too flimsy for every day use... I expect to use it for at least 9-12 months...if that helps.... I may just go buy the one at Target that I seen...I'm not sure...hmmmm...

I'm also stalking craigslist...

:)

Even though it has been extremely busy...it's been an alright day... I'm a bit tired...my ear hurts from my headset...and my body is still hurting... But all in all...I'm in a much better mindset than this morning!

YAY!

S will be home by 7p.m. We have to go shopping...and eat some food...and then pack!

La te da!

Wonder what S is up to. He was very curious about when we'd actually have time to spend actually celebrating Valentine's Day. We will finally have a moment on Sunday evening...so that's when I said we could do something. He said, "Okay, I think I can work around that." So, he's obviously planned something out. (Friday we are going to the Motor Cycle show and then shopping/making treats (possibly), Saturday during the day we have people coming over to check out some stuff to purchase and have to get ready, Saturday night we have the party, Sunday afternoon I have little Dylan's birthday party to attend to...and then finally...Sunday night we have a free moment.

I couldn't think of anything to do for him...since I've spoiled him utterly rotten over his birthday and xmas...so I am at a total loss... My Sis gave me the great idea of a pampering day...so I'm going to do that... I did buy him some Belgian Chocolates...and he loved those...but I wanted to do something a little more intimate...a little more memorable. I think the plan I have will be just what he needs...and I'm going to make some treats for us...and do some "other" stuff that I think he'll like.

Hopefully, it'll all tie in together very nicely... (His plan/My plan) I don't like holidays or my birthday because of icky partners in the past...so the last few years...have been so different for me. D started that out by pulling me out of that...and now S has really changed things as well for me in that department. It still feels so foreign to me though...and I had to really admit that to him for this holiday. I asked him to think about anything he'd like...so I can either get it or do it for him... Whether it's clean out his garage for him...or organize it... Or something for the bedroom...I'd be happy to do either...

Happy V-Day everyone...if I don't see you! Otherwise...see you tomorrow!

I'm finally getting my eye glasses! Going for an appt on Monday at 3p.m. to get a new eye exam and two pairs of glasses! I'm SO EXCITED!!!! I'll be able to see now! And maybe have less headaches!!!!

I could scream with happiness!!!!!

We get this "benny" card...here at work...it has $250 on it that I can spend on prescriptions, co-pays, dental appts, and Vision! I AM SO GRATEFUL for this!!!! I am finally getting my eye glasses~ WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

*Does happy dance!*

So, my weekend started out just fine... Then, this morning I wake up to my dog barking...really early...then just stops. She hardly EVER does this. So, I went down to check on her. She had another seizure...and was laying on the floor all out of it...her little tongue hanging out. I picked her up and put her in her blanket...and held her for about an hour. She has demensia too...so I like to keep her close just in case she has no clue where she is when she comes out of it.

Then after awhile...she seemed fine...still a bit out of it...but she was breathing better and she even ate a treat. So...I went back upstairs to try and sleep for a little bit longer.

Got up around noonish to get ready for the day. We had to pick up b-day presents for the twins and send them today...so they'd get there in time. We're about to leave...and Sasha is all riled up cause we're leaving...and she starts seizing...again. This time it was really bad and S was right there with me, thank goodness. She stopped breathing...and S squeezed her and she started breathing again. Like during the seizure...she just forgot to breathe or something. I was freaked out and just so worried. I called my vet, no one there. I called a lot of others...none seemed to be open today. I got two numbers to the emergency clinic for animals...and it's an easy 500-1000 bucks just to walk through the door...and you CANNOT make payments. So, we went to do our running...and she came with us. I wasn't going to leave my baby...and I wasn't sure about a vet not being open...as I was waiting for a call back from a few of them. So, she came with us...and by the time we got home...she was totally fine. Like nothing ever happened... Her breathing is still a bit raspy...but as far as her spunk...she's doing just fine. She's eating, drinking, coherent...she's totally back to normal. I'm still so worried. I'm making an appt as soon as I can get her in. She's been so good all day and night...she's been with me and spoiled rotten. She got to go for a long car ride...and be in my arms in her big blanket...smelling the air... She loves to "wisk" in the wind...she loves it!

I hope she's ok. I know she's 16...and I'm grateful for any amount of time I get to have her in my life...but it's still going to be hard as hell when she goes... Especially, when I have to see her like that every 4-6 months... I gotta see if they can do something about her seizures...meds...something...

On a more pleasant note. I had my Nephew today...that was fun. We played WoW...he played XBox. And watched kung fu panda... He's dying to play WoW...but we were both playing and doing an instance...so he didn't get to. I'll have to get him set up on the computer in the office next time...or let him play more xbox...he loves it.

Good night...I'm so TIRED and stressed!

Love you baby girl! She's 16 today. Happy Birthday my little itty bitty old baby girl! Momma loves you whole bunches!

She got a few french fries for supper today. She hasn't had table food in AGES! Her system is just too sensitive these days for it...so I won't give it to her anymore (and when I did, it wasn't all to often). But, I figured...what the heck...she'll only be 16 once...

I loved her up lots today! Yes, indeed!

Momma loves you so much!

Happy Birthday my Sasha girl!

~ Your Momma

She is the cutest doggie ever...and it made me sad to get an e-mail saying that my Friend Sue (from Girl's weekends) was going to have to get rid of her to a good home...because they aren't home very much and she is alone a lot of the time. - And she nipped at one of the kids (all very very small children) because they hurt her...so she nipped back...

I was very sad...cause she is like the best dog ever...and always such a good companion! I was talking to my Sis about it...and they might take her! I AM SO HAPPY!!!!!! It just about made me cry like a baby at work...

So, I have a bunch of e-mails going...and hopefully we'll hear tonight about whether or not Sis gets her or not! She's been wanting a Shih Tzu for ever...and...now she'll finally get her little girlie one that she's wanted!

YAY!

J

If you look carefully, Sasha is in the bottom right corner...sleeping...



Stupid leaf on the tree skirt...dang it!

Especially because it's for everyone else...I don't have the guilt factor creeping in...

I ordered a ton of stuff online today... Got a lot done...and now I don't have to worry so much.

Now, it's the wait to get it and wrap it game... Love the Holidays! Weeeeee

Getting off early to do more shopping...and then heading home to possibly wrap stuff up...if I feel up to it after running all over the place!

YAY!

I had Sis and Bradley over for dinner. We watched one of my favorite Xmas movies of all time - A Christmas Story. LOVE IT! S had never seen it before so it was funny to watch him laugh at all the good parts! Especially, the lamp...tee hee hee

Tomorrow, I was all geared up to do a shit ton of shopping...but now he has to work late...so now I may get stuck doing it all by myself...which makes me very sad. :(

The xmas shopping I can do all on my own...it was the whole...going to get the tree decorations that makes me sad...

Oh well...what are yah gonna do.

It's already 9p.m. and it's pay day Friday tomorrow! Woo hoo! It can't get much better than that!

Goodnight all!

J

I've been so clumsy today! Jeesh! Spilt my coffee and my diet soda (at the same time) all over my desk today...oops. Went right through the cracks of my desk configuration...and right onto the floor down below. Good thing it's winter and I won't have to worry about ants.

I'm glad to know (from my other friend's posts) that I'm not the only one who suffers from SAD. I'm SO tired today. I can barely keep my eyelids from closing.

I have a really nice dinner planned out. Hope he likes it. I'm making a salad, penne with Italian sausage and a few pieces of breaded butter of course (he likes his bread).

We've planned on going to bed really early each night this week in anticipation for staying in line freezing our butts off on Thursday evening probably around 7p.m...until Friday morning...otherwise known as Black Friday. I'm so thrilled I could burst into flames! (sarcastically rolls my eyes) But, I figure I wouldn't want to do it alone and it's for his Boys...so I'll suck it up and do it.

Hope everyone has a very fantastic Holiday week! Mine has started out BUSY AS ALL GET OUT and very dis-com-bob-ulated! :)

She had her second seizure in 6 days. The first (last Friday) one wasn't too bad.

This one (this morning)...was absolutely horrifying to see...and hear. I had a hard time leaving her this morning to come to work. I seriously wanted to wrap her in a blanket and bring her with me. I can't take time off right now because there are too many people gone...so I just called in and said I was going to be late. I couldn't leave her until I knew she'd be ok. If she died on me when I wasn't there...I would NEVER forgive myself. She was in her usual -out of it- stage afterwards...but her breathing was different...like she was having a hard time...and taking extra deep breaths when she could and at shorter intervals. So that's what was freaking me out so much. That and the fact that she was crying when she had the seizure. I know they don't remember anything...but it scarred me for life...let me tell yah.

I was of course all alone cause S had already left for work...and he wasn't answering his phone. He still probably hasn't realized it's off...STILL! So, I called my Mom...and she helped me calm down. I'm still a mess at work...and I can barely concentrate on anything but wanting to go home and check on her. I've left S two voice messages, an email and a text...I wonder when he'll actually realize his phone is turned off...hmmm...

The hardest part about all this...is that my boss...was a farmer growing up so she has no empathy to what I go through with the love of my pet. She (Sasha, my dog) is like my kid...she is my baby. And she (my boss) thinks I'm absolutey crazy, out of my mind, nuts that I feel this way about my dog... So, to be able to take time off for this...would be like pulling teeth with her... I'd probably get in trouble or something...even though I still have a week's vacation to spend...no problem there...

I'm frustrated...worried out of my mind...and HATING this freaking place at every minute that ticks by thinking about all this!

I hate my insecurities... I hate feeling like this some days... I feel better about some other things...

I did two things today I feel good about. The rest...will take awhile for me to deal with I guess...

My own issues...what are you going to do, right?

Did you ever hear the phrase - you can feel alone in a crowded room... I HATE when it gets dark all the time...it's so freakin depressing... I have three or four more months of this...maybe I'll go tanning to get some clarity...

Okay, off to bed I go...

shit, piss, fuck...

You're at work and you've screwed up twice now because of freakin' phone calls...

I finished the cute little raccoon S had picked out for me to do. Now, I just have to put it in a 3" ring and color it black of course and put some xmas ribbon on it to hang it.

Oh, Oh, Oh, GUESS WHAT!!!!!!! We were talking about decorations for Xmas lastnight...and Xmas trees...and I said I haven't ever had my own before...like EVER... (A few really small fake ones, but that's it.) I got to share people's before...people I cared deeply about...but NEVER EVER my own... He said that he hadn't had one in like 6 or 7 years... He said, "Can I say one thing." (I was scared by this statement...and yah know...I'm still getting used to the fact that he's not an asshole, like AT ALL and he's just such a sweetie pie...) - I said, "Ok." He says to me then, "If we're going to do this, then we're going to do it right!" "We're going to get a real tree 6 to 8 feet in height and we're going to decorate it just how you want it." I practically bursted into flames of happiness! I feel like a little kid literally at Xmas. I could care less about all the symbolism...I just have ALWAYS loved the decorations... My Ex Bung hole of a boyfriend (a few ago I mean, by the way) wouldn't allow me to decorate with Santas so I have lots of snowmen. I can actually do WHAT I WANT. - What is that going to be like????? This is such foreign territory for me...it's incredibly weird! To be able to decorate an entire HOUSE with stuff and a TREE OF MY VERY OWN...HOLY CRAP! I'm so happy I could seriously BURST!!!!!

I'm SO HAPPY lately cross-stitching cute little ornaments... I'm doing the CUTEST little girl snowmen right now! She's actually a little Angel with cute little wings and cute little sweater, scarf and mittens...and she has a cute little mistle toe garland on her head...and she's holding a cute little heart....and she has the cutest little face...

Okay, enough gushing...over a freakin cross-stitch... back to work...

Working overtime today....wee! Happy Vetran's Day ya'll!

I've answered over 200 calls already...my voice so lack there of...it's scary...

Pray to the gods I get through the next 50 minutes alive....

I'm so wiped!

Okay, back to the grinde.....and coughing...

J

Need to lose at least 10 pounds. I've gained this much from not smoking...at least it's not 50 pounds...

So, tomorrow...I'm going to start hauling butt...getting back into shape.

Yay!